The Audition of a Darklord
by Saeros
Summary: This is a strange short story about auditioning for a darklord. Please review.
1. Chapter 1

_**Authoresses's Note: This is my first story so I would appreiciate all reviews. I know it is probably dreadful! The elf could be any male elf.**_

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_**Darklord's audition**_

A phrase floated across the well-lit, spacious hall. The speaker turned. His large black eyes stared at the listener. The elf's face contorted into many strange expressions as he attempted not to laugh. The stranger was the very essence of a cliché Darklord.

The dark hooded cloak, black tunic and black boots cast a dark shadow and the possible Darklord looked on, bemused, as the laughing elf fell off his chair.

"I have come from a galaxy far, far away…"

"Stop!" spluttered the elf while failing to control his giggles, "We're auditioning for the part of Sauron, not Emperor Palpatine. You know… the Maia who followed in his master's footsteps and attempted to conquer Middle Earth, who built a big, dark tower and ruled despotically over an evil land known to many as Mordor… that guy who killed hundreds and tortured thousands of Elfs, Humans and Dwarfs…"

The possible-Darklord glowered. "Of course I know of this... Sauron… but I was auditioning for the part of…"

The elf stamped his foot, " 'auditioning for the part of'… Of what? A ringwraith? While your clothes are correct your acting is dreadful."

"_I_ am auditioning for the part of a mass-murderer who is called a hero by many races. He dresses in black and lurks in shadows of darkness. His name brings fear to honest people."

" Can I guess who?" The elf smiled, his teeth glistening. "I really, really love guessing games! And I'm so sorry about the confusion."

" I will give you ten guesses. If you fail I will conquer Middle Earth and rule until the end of time! Mwahahahahahaha!"

"You know… sometimes a _bit _of originality doesn't hurt"


	2. Chapter 2

**Authoress's note: **Sorry about the delay, but my lazyness and schoolwork interfered. I'll try and have the last chapter up next week. And please REVIEW!

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Up on a balcony overlooking the hall Elrond groaned, "This was an awful idea, truly awful. I really don't think we need guessing games, attempts at world domination or attacks of randomness! We do have other people to audition you know! Now, can we get on with it?"

The possible darklord smirked, "Well it shouldn't take to long!"

Elrond rolled his eyes and muttered, "All I wanted was a nice short documentary on the end of the third age from different viewpoints. That's all, nothing ambitious." He looked down, "Oh fine, just make sure you guess quickly Carancollo!" He turned to the elf next to him and said quietly, "And I want archers and guards surrounding here as soon as possible; preferably out of sight." The elf nodded, running silently away.

"Well I won't then Lord Elrond." Carancollo's insolent call made the addressee sigh, and grumble under his breath, "That idiot elf is going to be 'accidentally' shot one day soon."

'That idiot elf' skipped merrily in circles, he couldn't think standing still; it overheated his brain, "I know you want to be either Legolas or Gimli. So which is it? Legolas or Gimli? I know." he yelled, "It's Gimli!"

The darklord cheered, "No way chicken brain. Besides, he's way too short!"

"Then I know it must be Legolas."

The sniggering of the darklord made Elrond cover his head with his hands and close his eyes; when he reopened them the darklord was speaking again "Elfie boy think more carefully _because," _shouted the darklord "YOU ONLY HAVE EIGHT GUESSES LEFT AND AT THIS RATE I WILL HAVE ERIADOR, RHOVANION, ERED MITHRIN, ERED LUIN AND EVERY THING ALL THE WAY OUT TO RHÛN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Carancollo span around, pirouetting gracefully. He began to mutter to himself quietly, or at least his idea of quietly. The loud musings filled the cavernous hall, "Now, does he want to be Denethor or Boromir or Faramir? A madman or an idiot or a lay about? I know that since I am so wonderful everybody wants to be like me so obviously he can only want to be… Denethor"

"NO WAY José," said the possible-darklord.

"My name is Carancollo, Ka-ran-COL-lo, and I'll thank you for remembering it."

The speed at which the stranger attacked was in-elven. One moment Carancollo was standing, the next he was fainting from fright as the dagger pressed to his throat drew blood.

Stretching leisurely Elrond asked, "Now you've attacked may I have the rest of the guesses?"

"Of course, Lord Elrond. What else would I say?"

"Is it possible you want to be Frodo? Or maybe Gandalf? They are, after all, fairly important."

"I'd rather rot in the void than impersonate that treacherous Maia! Melkor the Mighty; Help me if I want to be Gandalf!"

Carancollo suddenly squirmed sideways and ran, screaming. Unfortunately, for Carancollo (but fortunately for everyone else) the darklord stuck his foot out and he fell, landing like a frozen chicken.

"If you _ever_ try that trick again, Elf," the dark lord's soft hiss landed on his listeners ears like sandpaper (evil sandpaper), "I shall personally disembowel you. This is your only warning. And any innocent bystanders"

Elrond's brows lifted. The mysterious stranger finally beginning to provide some clues to his identity…

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About the reviewing thing... I am very tempted to write a Teletubby LOTR crossover slashfic so if you wish to save anyone please review. hint, hint 


	3. Chapter 3

The darklord sighed; his day was getting worse. He had expected difficulties such as stupidity and ignorance- they were very common everywhere these days- but arrogant nitwits were somewhat unexpected. Obviously you couldn't plan for everything, or even just the likeliest outcomes.

He stretched. Watching that poor Elf with some intelligence guess could be entertaining; warped logic generally provided different ideas. Guessing games, on the surface very childish, were brilliant distracters...

Elrond rubbed his eyes with his hands. Why was peace and quiet so elusive? A nice, calm, sane day and now he had a former hostage-taker/mysterious darklord in the Dining Hall. So this mysterious dark stranger was dressed in black. Lot's of people wore black, especially people who liked lurking and stalking a lot… and rangers.

"Are you pretending to be a ranger of some kind?"

"Possibly… possibly… maybe."

A ranger then, only one name immediately came to mind: Estel…

"Are you impersonating my son?!?!?"

Suddenly the room seemed empty of useful ammunition, particularly of the china kind. But there were some pebbles in the corner…

"It's a disguissss….."

The darklord suddenly slumped, looking depressed. The high-pitched squeak sounded nothing like the confident tone before.

"Noooooo!!!! Never… I am nothing but a humble fan. Aaarrrggghhh!!!! My arm… it kills… Help!"

A strange whistling filled the hall and the light faded. When the light returned all that was left was a round glass ball, about a hands width across, and a couple of pebbles…

Later, when the hall was clean, Elrond sat down quietly. The dark stranger had left as many mysteries as a balrog. The lines he had quoted seemed to be unlike anything on Arda, let alone anything from Middle Earth. Why had it had a Palantir, that most dangerous of treasures? Still, it was gone now, no more than a disembodied spirit…

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**Authoresses's Note: Sorry this has taken so long. My ideas all vanished...**

**Hmmm... perhaps an explanation...**

**The darklord is supposed to be Sauron (a disembodied spirit) possessing a human, any human. The palantir is the one from Minas Ithil and the pebbles are just ordinary pebbles (probably, at least).**

**Please review. All flames will be kept as Balrog-fodder; the one in the FotR movie looked hungry.**


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